have a healthy argument. Imagine if we taught ‘How to Argue without Aggression’ in kindergarten, preparing our young people to have a rousing exchange of ideas without devolving into violence.
 
Our society isn’t horrified by violence; otherwise, we wouldn’t flock to movies depicting one violent act after another. What draws us in is how conflicts resolve. Screenwriters use ‘pinch points’ to create conflicts that make characters relatable and stories engaging.
 
So, how do you react to the pinch points in your own life? With dialogue and discussion? By raising issues? Can you have an animated argument with someone you care about but disagree with? You might walk away shaking your head, but can you walk away still loving that person?
 
If you can’t disagree, your relationship is fragile. 
 
There’s a major difference between fragility and vulnerability. Fragility indicates you can’t talk about certain subjects, suggesting a need for careful handling. Vulnerability implies a strength that comes from the willingness to be open and authentic, even when it involves risk. Fragility focuses on potential for damage; vulnerability focuses on the potential for a deeper connection.
 
Ending violence on a global level may seem like a pipe dream, but you can start now on a personal level. Decide if you can be vulnerable, put an issue on the table, and explore it with healthy curiosity with someone who disagrees with you. See if you can do better than someone who picks up a gun when they don’t agree.
 
Use bullet points instead of bullets.

​So when people come to me with a problem, I first ask them if they want a shoulder to cry on (I have a big shoulder and lots of tissue) or if they are looking for guidance. Most say they want guidance after growling, "Why is this happening?" 
 
Once someone asks for help, you can get down to the business of coaching and assist them to realize that whatever the reason, it happened. 
 
The following questions will help guide someone to frame the issue so they can take accountability for their next step with a clear plan of action to move to resolution. So here's my list with a few comments.

1. What happened? This question will reveal other questions, so keep asking for details until the problem is apparent. You want to ensure you know three things:
   1. The scope of the problem.
   2. If the person you're coaching is willing to own the problem as their issue.
   3. Are they committed to resolution? If yes, move on to the next question.
2. What specifically is your concern? This question will reveal why solving this problem is essential. You may think this is obvious but ask anyway. Don't assume that you know.
3. What do you think is the root cause? The root cause is the fundamental or underlying reason behind a problem or conflict. It's crucial because it allows for targeted and sustainable solutions rather than just addressing symptoms or superficial aspects of a problem. Once you uncover the root cause, you can probe for relevant, timely, groundbreaking, and doable options. Stay with this question until the root cause is clear.
4. What action have you already taken? You want to discover the results, what worked, what didn't, and what was missing.
5. What do you want to achieve in solving this problem? This will ensure the solution aligns with the person's goals.
6. What alternatives have you already considered? Have them make a list of what's possible. Writing helps engage the mind beyond an either-or response. Help them to expand the list by asking what else is possible.
7. If you were going to make a request, what would it be? Turning complaints into requests is one of the most empowering ways to get a real commitment. The responses yes and no are both commitments. Sometimes, people fear that the answer will be no, so they don't ask. Help them realize their task is to ask and listen to the response.
8. If others are involved, how can you resolve the issue that serves everyone's interest? You want to ensure thinking about the impact on other people involved and help gain clarity on what all parties gain from proposed solutions.
9. What do you think is the best option?Make sure they know that you're still looking into what's possible so they're free to look at all options, not just the easy options.
10. What makes that the best option?Remember, this is their choice, not yours. You are there to help them choose and act. They'll get feedback once they take action.
11. What would it take for you to commit to that option? Find out if they have the resources, skill, and structure to implement the solution and also if there are any constraints.
12. When could you take that action? Having timelines for commitments is the best way to hold them accountable for what they say they will do.
13. Do you anticipate any obstacles to implementing the solution? Look into possible blocks, including if someone says "NO!" to a request.
14. How can you overcome these obstacles? This is preparation for being on the field of action. You want people to understand that obstacles are not the problem. They’ll want others to voice obstacles so someone can tell them what they think instead of people walking away doubting their solution will work. Guide them to see obstacles as data that can inform decisions. Have them invite feedback.
15. Whose support can you enlist? This question allows a buddy system to talk about what they're doing. Have them pick a committed listener who tells them the truth, not what they want to hear. Someone they can count on who's an accountable human!
16. Whose agreement do you need to move forward on your action plan? It's critical to determine if they can make this decision independently or need someone's sign-off to implement. This is as true in families as in business and fundamentally shifts their relationship with authority. Authority can become a partner, not an obstacle. You’re coaching them to step outside their comfort zone.
17. What precisely will you do? Now is the time for commitment. Ensure the first step is clearly defined, with a subsequent action plan. Ask for their commitment to execute in a specific timeframe. Remember, "I'm committed to getting this done by Friday at 5 PM." is different from "This is a good idea.”
18. How will you measure success? Ensures that they have a detailed structure for fulfilling their solution.
19. What's required to prevent this complaint, problem, or issue from happening in the future? This question will help you and the person you are working on to clarify or discover what they’ve learned in this process.
20. When will you follow up with me on progress? This enables you as the Coach to stand in their accountability and commitment corner. Get a definitive date that allows sufficient time to take action but not too long. Work through breakdowns or unintended outcomes as they occur using the flow of questions outlined above, starting with “What happened?” This will enable ongoing strategies for growth and the change they are committed to making in their lives.

 
Continue in this question-and-answer mode until they confidently declare: "I am complete, have no complaints, and in the event of any future concerns, my commitment is to transform my complaints into a promise for resolution or a request for coaching."
 
When confronted with problems, asking these questions will help guide all concerned to mutually beneficial solutions. They will open a conversation for discovery. It's essential to meet people where they are and find out what they're ready to share and look into. Otherwise, questions become interrogation, and that's never fun!
 
If you have any questions for me, just ask! 
 
(This Uplifting Mindset is my promised follow-up to: The #1 Most Important Question)

intensify in your mind will help you avoid overreacting or making impulsive decisions. It may also help to reduce anxiety and stress! It’s natural to experience intense emotions, but the choice is yours to act out or to think things through. 

This awareness can prevent escalating the problems that naturally happen in life. 

Conflict happens, mistakes happen, physical breakdowns happen, as well as misunderstandings. We call them problems. Problems aren’t the problem. You’re a problem solver, so wouldn’t you want to know how to prevent accelerating an existing problem into something irreparable?

Here is a simple strategy that can change your approach and prevent you from overreacting or sending that impulsive text or email.

CHALLENGE YOUR THOUGHTS

The first challenge is recognizing when you’re being stubborn, hurt, hardheaded, or unreasonable and why. I know it’s hard to be rational in the face of someone who “did you wrong,” but when you have concerns about a problem that accelerate into anger, frustration, or WTF, take a moment and ask yourself what happened. Then you can avoid getting lost in judgmental thinking and look at the situation from a curious point of view. 

What questions could you ask to get more information before you decide what action to take? If you’re upset, talk to a valued friend. Someone who will NOT automatically agree with you. Someone who will ask questions and investigate with you from a more detached point of view. 

You’ll get calmer and find that approach generates more possibilities for resolution. Remember, you can send that email later, but cool down first. Talk to someone, sleep on it, and re-read it in the morning when you can move from agitated to steady. 

Cheers to defeating the problem and not each other!

Developing an optimistic and uplifting mindset can help you find more enjoyment in life. You'll start to appreciate the beauty in people and the world around you. Yes, beauty is there if you look for it! Even in mistakes! It may not feel that way, but mistakes lead you to new knowledge. Being optimistic is not a fantasy; it's a commitment to look for what's missing that YOU can supply instead of just sighing, shaking your head, or moaning and groaning about what's wrong.
 
Here are three simple steps to get you started on your journey to an uplifting mindset. As you read the following, think about where you're having difficulty imagining a beneficial outcome, and this will help you create an opportunity for immediate practice.

1. Change Your Language 

The language you use to talk to yourself significantly impacts your mindset. Instead of sharing complaints, excuses, and what doesn't work, which keeps your focus on the past, bring yourself present to this moment which is the only place new action is possible. For example, if you make a mistake, instead of telling yourself you're stupid, or god forbid telling someone else they’re stupid, remind yourself that mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow and then fix them. When a complaint enters your mind, reframe it as a call to action.

1. Make Gratitude a Priority 

Make a habit of expressing gratitude, whether simple pleasures like a hot cup of coffee or major thankfulness for family and friends. You can even give thanks for feedback. Yes, you can, even if it's critical. Feedback is a thank-you moment because someone dares to tell you what they see, so instead of arguing or being hurt, say thank you. Then genuinely look! It doesn’t cost you anything except your attachment to being right. And that is a worthwhile sacrifice. This practice is life-changing and makes listening so much easier.

1. Take Time for Yourself

Life can often be overwhelming, especially if you constantly strive for more. It's important to take time for yourself to decompress and relax. Whether taking a walk, reading a book, or putting your feet up, permit yourself to take a break from time to time. It's a practice of self-care. Take a moment to look in the mirror, not just a glance, but deep into your eyes, and ask the question, "Are you taking care of yourself?" Then be quiet and listen to your inner voice. Find enjoyable activities that make you feel good and make time to do them.
 
Changing your language, making gratitude a priority, and taking time for yourself are all practical choices that will accelerate your evolution as a thinking human being. And don’t worry, you’ll still produce results, but with less stress.
 
My love goes with you …

1. How can you be both truthful and kind?
2. How will your words move a conversation forward? 
3. Why are you saying something instead of nothing? 
4. What are your words designed to create? 
5. Will your words help or harm?
6. Is there room for questions in your world? 

Make every word count. Notice when you lose your audience, whether one person or a group. Make a shift from monologues to asking questions. It can be a simple "What do you think?" Questions can move a conversation from stuckness to a fluid exchange of ideas. Consider what others say as important—at least to them, even when it's very different from what you would say. Isn't that what you want from others when you speak? You want them to consider what you say as possible, accurate, insightful, or thought-provoking. If you're going to see what someone else sees, you must look through their eyes, even momentarily. That's empathy. You don't have to agree; just look. 

Now here's the hard part. Hold your truth lightly. Tell the truth with compassion. Truth with compassion means the relationship is important. You will come to the realization that truth is ever changing. Truth is vulnerable to knowledge because knowledge is not fixed. There's always more to know.

So let's start today and shift from careless to conscious communication, and it will change your world. And most importantly, learn silence. Visualize the word listen. Get out a pen and write it down. Then scramble the letters. What word emerges? It's a state of mind that's worthy of practice.

Share the word that appears from LISTEN in the comments.

following strategies are the most common. Which one do you tend to fall back on?
 

1. Fight - attack and defend and make others wrong, 
2. Flight – avoid and hope it goes away or doesn't get worse, 
3. Polite - play nice, and go along, 
4. Take sides - believe your side is right.

 
I'm here to say that none of these four strategies are effective if you want to have a difficult conversation to resolve conflicts of expectation, styles, or values, which are the three major kinds of conflict. But one of these conflicts stands out as the most difficult to resolve.
 
In a conflict of styles, it is often the case that people can come to appreciate their differences and learn from each other. In a conflict of expectations, there can be clarification and renegotiation. However, in a conflict of values, differences run deeper. This type of conflict is the hardest to resolve since both parties stand for their values and believe they are right. Values are deeply held. They are the ideals and beliefs we live by, and when opposed, they can evoke an extreme emotional response. For example, integrity is a value many people have to such a degree that being lied to, even in a small way, can erode trust and end a relationship. Conflicts of values can arise around money, risk, freedom, justice, equality, respect, and anything political or religious.
 
So now we are back to the original question: How do you stand in the tension of conflict if you want to make a difference? The answer? Stand in the tension of conflict by understanding that if you want someone to listen to you, you must listen to them. 
 
This strategy relies on defeating the problem, not each other. You do this by separating the problem from the conflict and listening for mutual interests. Some issues I've heard about lately are crime, homelessness, women's rights, access to health care, safety, and justice. There is agreement on the problem. The conflict occurs on how best to solve the problem. So instead of arguing about who's right, start a conversation by looking into the issue itself.
 
We need more practice investigating the problem before we can resolve these conflicts on a personal, national or global level. I asked the following question of a group recently, "How many of you have a conflict of values with people you care about?" 75% of the group raised their hands. It's not just with "others"; conflicts happen in families and with friends. So how do you have a conversation and even not avoid the famous two – politics and religion? And come out of those conversations more thoughtful and more informed.
 
I continue to hear people talking about the impact politics still have on the family dynamic. How friendships have been lost, or family members are not speaking to each other or dreading the inevitable conflict that arises when conversations shift hotly to blame and rhetorical debate.
 
Instead of using arguments that don’t change anything, use this 3-point strategy to stand in the tension of conflict and strengthen the relationship so eventually a resolution can be found.
 
1. Curiosity: The first step towards curiosity is to stop the fight response. You'll know when curiosity is more important than fighting to win when you're more willing to listen and be curious rather than attached to your point of view. Don't worry; curiosity won't kill the cat. It only kills attachment to being right and leaves an opening for dialog.
 
2. Connection: Attempt to understand where they are coming from by asking questions like, "How did you come to this perspective?" with love. Connecting allows you to step to someone's side and see a possibility in them when you stop to find out their purpose and what matters most to them. It also brings you to this present moment which is the only time you can make something happen. Stepping to a person's side doesn't mean that you're changing your views or beliefs. Instead, you are choosing to genuinely be with the individual or idea and looking at it from their side. From this place of connection, something new can emerge.
 
3. Commitment to Finding Mutual Interests: Do you agree on the problem? There's a famous example of Reagan and Gorbachev discussing creating a world that worked for their children and grandchildren. In researching this event, I found this statement, "First, Reagan relaxed his aggressive rhetoric toward the Soviet Union after Gorbachev became General Secretary of the Soviet Politburo in 1985 and took on a position of negotiating." Reagan was still a capitalist, and Gorbachev was still a communist, but they found a mutual interest in not blowing up the world. We're still working on an enduring strategy, but it's worth remembering that mutual interests can be found even when values collide.
 
Let's stop shaking our heads and thinking conflict shouldn't happen. It's like an eleventh commandment; there shall be breakdowns! Instead, think about how you might start a dialog with someone with a conflict of values and how you can "relax your aggressive rhetoric," whether internal or external, to ask questions and find out what's important and what matters most. Can you do it just for the length of a conversation? I know it's hard, and I think you can, and I think we can!
 
What’s your strategy to stand in the tension of conflict?
Let me know and I’ll add it!

that we need to understand why we peter out rather than going the distance. You might be surprised by the answer!

Have you ever wondered why you sometimes rush to do your non-essential goals like playing Wordle, doing crossword puzzles, or playing online solitaire? And you say, I'll just finish this game, and then I'll start working. It's a fun distraction to play games. And it's work to achieve goals.

So why do we make resolutions every year? Is it because we failed to achieve the goals we set the year before and still hope this year will be different? Research tells us that 80% of new year's resolutions lose their oomph by February. Maybe that's because we forget why the goal was critical in the first place. Or perhaps we simply allow ourselves to be distracted along the way.

The thing that sustains my actions is a "vision of what's possible." When vision manages my effort, I don't stop moving forward, even if it takes longer than I planned. The vision pulls me forward. My dream of what's possible keeps me learning, practicing, tracking results, getting help, and continuing even when the goal is still in effect from year to year. Vision doesn't require a timeline. When time is out of the equation, my WHY and the potential for success become more sustainable. 

So, when I get dissatisfied that the timeline is expanding, I remember that discipline is practicing 1000 days, not 30 days or six months! And no matter how much I want the achievement, completion, or accomplishment of the goal in a shorter time, I must keep going because my WHY matters. 

My vision of what's possible keeps me energized and engaged for the long haul of life. So, I'm changing my mindset on accomplishing goals from an event to a vision of a life worth living that sustains my practice over time. Now I'm on my way, and once in the flow, I laugh out loud that I thought I could accomplish the goal once and for all and then stop doing all the small steps that got me there in the first place!

I still must do the laundry, manage finances, eat healthy, work out, love, listen, speak up, make an effort, and all the stuff that happens along the way to achieving my goals. Then the realization comes more quickly that the goal is not a destination; it's a practice.

Now I take a breath and remember that refinement is practicing 10,000 days. (Do the math, that's over 27 years!) So, cheers to the mid-year mindset reset! And yes, I'll keep playing Wordle!

Let me hear about your mid-year reset. What practice is worth continuing for you?

stop to getting more information or thinking about what's possible to solve the real problem at hand.
 
This reminds me of a time when I was doing some consulting work at a company that had a sales manager whose quick answer to the problem of non-performing team members was to fire them. Ironically, her goals were to improve her management skills, lower turnover, and build effective teams, but her termination strategy did just the opposite. The CEO and other management team members were at their wit's end and asked me to coach this sales manager, who was a high-performing and talented member of the team. After question-and-answer sessions with the sales manager and key team members, we agreed that no one could be fired for 90 days to allow for time to ask more questions and investigate team performance issues.
 
This sales manager was willing to try something new because she was willing to acknowledge that her job was too big to do everything herself! I coached her to talk to everyone on her team about their performance and listen to their feedback. She was surprised to hear that her management style was part of the problem. It was a "my way or the highway" approach. When she saw the impact on her team, she was able to catch herself making demands and notice how that it got in the way of meaningful communication. The light of awareness switched on, and she paused her favorite tactic of steamrolling to ask questions. She created space for possibility and her team members' input, and by doing this her group was able to solve real problems and be more successful.
 
I know it's challenging to pull back and ask questions when you’re attached to your answer or your desire to get into action fast and put a problematic situation behind you. If you’re going to give an answer instead of asking the rhetorical, “Are there any questions?” you can pause and ask “what’s missing” from any solution you offer. The power of that well-aimed question can reveal objections that need to be addressed. Then when you ask for commitment, you get the real deal instead of an obligatory yes.
 
I love the saying that it's not ignorance that blocks progress; it's the illusion of knowledge. If you think you already know the answer, you’ll find that the rush to action shuts down the true process of problem-solving. The ability to pause and investigate with questions and the space to be questioned will increase team confidence, open communication, and the problem-solving skills needed in successful management practices.
 
What can you ask today?
 
May your day be peaceful and productive.

Some are healthy, and some are limiting. Do we embrace them? Do we reject them? Do we listen to them? 
 
Where do the voices come from?
 
An inner voice is a part of being human. It's an internal dialogue. I hear my voice in words and sentences, primarily comparing how I am to how I want to be or ruminations on where I could have done a better job. What do I do about this internal dialogue? I hear the voices for what they are. Reminders that it's never too late to begin again if I want to. Not out of comparison, but out of determining what's most important.
 
So, listen to your voices and determine if they're relevant to who you are today. They can be your inner guidance system if they're directing you to what matters most. If not, they're voices telling stories that could limit or worry you or make you sad or upset. They may even be the voice of parents, teachers, gurus, or someone in your past who told you how to be. The practice is to own your voices instead of being victimized by them. After all, they belong to you! It is possible to know the difference between guidance and nonsense. 
 
Here are a few of my inner voices:
 
Bossy — Just do it!
Motivational ­— Yes, you can!
Judgmental — Don't disappoint me!
Whatever — Life's too long to worry! Have another piece of pie!
4-Star General — Never give up! Soldier on!
Oracle — Just sit there.
 
I think my voices are sometimes outrageous, but I recognize that they're my own and come from how I view the world. I often need to listen to the General in my head, especially when I've made a commitment and don't feel like completing what I said I would do. The General teams up with the bossy voice, and I get it done. Often, I investigate the judgmental voice and look into the cause of disappointment in myself or others, so I don't gloss over what happened and determine if I need to take any action. Lately, I've been listening to the Oracle just to sit there until a course of action becomes clear.
 
What are your voices? Do they help you? Let me know your thoughts.
 
May your day be filled with gentle awareness.

Conflict, of course!
 
So, I started thinking about a productive relationship mindset on how to engage when there’s conflict, so you don't miss the opportunity a breakdown offers while the conflict is happening. A mindset that shifts from stewing about it, to doing something about it. Breakdowns can be startling disruptions in your usual, standard way of operating. They often throw you into unknown territory and create discomfort, but remember they are also calling you to solve a problem, make a new decision, affirm an existing path, or evolve. 

When you have a breakdown in a relationship, you find out if the connection is sustainable. It mystifies me a little when people who have been together for a while say they never disagree or have an argument. I don't doubt what people tell me, yet it doesn't seem real that I would always agree with someone else in my circle of family, friends, and work life. I know it’s not a goal to have conflict in relationships! But maybe we have to learn how to have healthy arguments. They’re good for you! And may be exactly what you need to evolve.

The Latin origin of the word argues, argumentum, means to make clear. You may be very good at making things clear but not great at leaving room for others to express their clarity. Then, instead of a breakthrough, you create a protracted contest of winning and losing arguments. 

Here are my 4 rules for dealing with conflict or disagreement:

1. Courage
2. Accountability
3. Listening
4. Learning
 
Conveniently the above creates an acronym CALL so it’s easy to remember. Breakdowns in a relationship reveal the truth about who you are, what you think, and what you value. Breakdowns are a CALL to act with courage to speak and courage to listen, to take accountability and give up blame, and learn about yourself and the other person.

When you turn your relationship breakdowns into conversations for possibilities, connection and appreciation deepen, creating an unbreakable bond. Your arguments evolve into conversations that bring awareness, forgiveness, solutions, and gratitude. Breakdowns happen to develop relationships and create a bond that transcends time and circumstances. Otherwise, breakdowns can signal the end.
 
May your relationships bring transformation.

It's there when we look for it: good actions, good-heartedness, and good thoughts.

I was inspired to amplify the good when I recently visited a friend. She told me she couldn't stop complaining about life in general and politics in particular until the day her daughter had a baby. 

It was a miraculous pregnancy, and her daughter elected to have the baby at her parents' home. She chose a sunny room where she could view the tree they had planted in their backyard when she was born. My friend confessed her grandchild's birth filled her with such gratitude that she stopped the grumbling about the world for a moment to reflect on the joy that filled her heart. You see, her daughter was very sick, and her chances of survival were slim. When she was ill, the tree planted when she was born turned brown and looked like it might not recover. Not only did this young woman survive, but the tree also regained its strength with new growth. The baby, the mother, and the tree are all doing beautifully.

And my friend told me that in those moments of birth and re-birth, she remembered to amplify the good, and it gave her direction to balance the dark with the light of joy, goodness, and new life. She reminded me that we engage with the world differently when we forward love and compassion and find profound equanimity centered in the heart.

When I went home that afternoon, I reached in my pocket and found a card my friend had secretly slipped inside. It read: You Shine Like the Sun. It brought tears to my eyes and gave me hope. And although I often hear friends say that hope is not a strategy, sometimes it's all you have to get you through the night.

So today, let's find a moment to speak kind words and amplify the good. 

Completing tasks is easy. You determine what you need to do. And by when you need to do it. It is done and dusted! You have that great feeling of accomplishment, and completion is checking things off your list. If it's on your list, the task fulfills a goal, and hopefully, you're also fulfilled in the process! (More on that topic in my book The Promise of Fulfillment.)
 
But the question is can you be complete with the things that are not tasks but memories, where the incompletions are complex and probably include regrets? 
                                                        
Let's look.
 
The fact is that you can't complete the past because the past lives in time, and unless you're a time traveler, it is what it is! But the "incompletions" can still live in your mind, and that's where the work is. 
 
Memories of regret can return with some velocity with recriminating questions like "Why did I do that?" or spinning out a scenario of what you could have done differently. In some cases, you can go back, talk to somebody about what happened, and maybe clear the air. But often, with regrets, there's nothing you can do. And there's no conversation to be had, except the one you have with yourself.
 
The first step on the road to facing the memory of regret is taking 100% accountability. I work with the premise that all of us are 100% accountable for what shows up in our lives. 100% accountability allows you to own your thoughts, words, emotions, and actions at this moment. If you can take the case of 100% accountability, you can see what's hidden when you focus on being duped, taken advantage of, exploited, or missing the mark.
 
But how do you take accountability and be complete with the things that have happened to you that are unforgivable? How do you move past condemnation to peace of mind? Please don't say everything happens for a reason or everything happens for the highest good. They're nice platitudes but probably don't help with completion, given that sh*t did happen.
 
So, here's what I've come up with so far that allows facing what happened, learning from it, and how to keep moving forward. It may sound counterintuitive, but the practice is saying thank you. So, whenever a regret comes forward, after I dig out the lessons learned from whatever occurred, the method I use to be complete is to say thank you. Thank you for greater awareness. Thank you for greater strength. Thank you for greater compassion. Saying thank you allows me to put what I did, or others did in a perspective that opens a path to mindful completion.
 
Now more often than naught you can't see what there is to be thankful for when you're doing this practice. Nonetheless, even with those things that are challenging and complicated, say thank you.
 
I started this practice years ago when my friend and colleague, Wally Arnold, instructed me to write thank you on every check under my signature. And, you know, someone said to me, "What? Wait a minute, what about when you're paying bills? Yes. Especially when you're paying bills. Thank you. What about when you're sending the IRS money? Yes, on those checks as well. Thank you. Write thank you on every check. 
 
What if we did the same with the intangible checks we've written for life experiences we've had up until now?
 
Acceptance comes on the heels of being thankful and closes the gap between what shouldn't have happened and what did happen. Anger, frustration, and disappointment shift into accountability for moving forward wiser, aware, whole, and complete.
 
Completion isn't an ending but a dynamic process that allows you to look forward with information inclusive of all your experiences instead of backward with bitterness. You're thankful for who you are, having had the stamina to witness what happened, learn from your mistakes, and move on down the road.
 
May your day be productive and enlightening.

What are the spells you're casting with your words today? Yes, there is magic in what you say. If the story limits you, you must consciously break that spell. If you don't, it will continue to bind you. It's easy to identify the spells you cast. Listen carefully to what you say to yourself and others, and you'll hear the spells you're casting into the world every day. 

Casting a spell of self-limitation: 

• I'm out of shape
• I'm too tired
• I don't have time
• I'm not enough
• I don't know what to do

The self-limiting stories you tell weave an illusion that you can't do anything about the subject of your story. But you can break that spell and speak new word magic. You KNOW what to do. You only must remember that YOU have that power. Here's a personal example. I caught myself with a story that I couldn't talk about money because I was (fore) casting that it would be difficult. I worried it would make things worse or hurt the relationship. And so, it was making things worse, in my mind. I had to be brave and cast a different spell to tell the truth with love and curiosity.

Casting a spell of empowerment: 

• I have a plan
• I ask for help when I need it
• I manage my commitments and keep my promises
• I'm enough to be who I need to be and do what I need to do now
• I say thank you to what's behind me, what's here now, and what's in front of me
• I know what I need to do, and I do it with awareness

What would you say if you could wave a magic wand that created a new conversation with yourself or others?

First, catch yourself in the act of complaining. Instead of moaning and groaning over the injustice of it all, use the complaint to recognize a self-limiting story freezing any new action on your part. Break the complaint open, and you'll find hidden inside a request you need to make. Making a request is powerful word magic. Someone might say no, but if you don't ask, you've said NO to yourself. Requests initiate action.

Second, stop blaming and make a promise instead. Making a promise is powerful word magic. Just like a tap on the head with a magic wand, you'll discover you create the future based on the commitments you make and the actions you take.

You'll quickly realize you have the power to cast different kinds of spells. Ones that are fulfilling and break the illusion of self-limiting stories and replace them with what you want. Recognizing your limiting stories is magical and allows you to stop casting spells that limit your ability to work, heal, and love. 

So, listen closely to your words and notice if you're casting spells that keep you disappointed, complaining, miserable, worried, separate, or unhappy with yourself or others. New word magic may simply be a promise to stop complaining and blaming, making room for casting new spells, and bringing you peace with what you're doing or where you are in your life right now.

My love goes with you as we begin to practice the magic of words together.

"The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to see that things are hopeless yet be determined to make them otherwise."

LET'S LOOK

Can you step outside of what you think for a moment and consider the opposite of what you believe to be true? Can you be more interested in the dialogue than making someone else wrong? Do you have to win every argument? Or can you listen and keep in mind that something is about to become clearer?
 
How hard is it to hold two opposing thoughts in mind? It's a paradox, a proposition that seems self-contradictory and relies on the idea that there is always more to know. 

Your answers are interim at best because you usually base your answer on the information you have today. Would you consider that you could be wrong?

I listened to a client who was having a talk with her partner that was emotional and painful. The status quo was the easiest way to be. But the underlying tension didn't go away; it just went internal to maintain superficial peace. How can these two people communicate now so that something about their relationship becomes more apparent, including the possibility of a more significant connection?

They had to learn the secret to communicating.

Instead of bickering or preparing an immediate rebuttal, be open to what you're hearing and consider the ideas presented. You may be saying to yourself that they don't think about your views. I know, I know. You want the other person to hear you, consider what you're saying, and ask you questions to look deeper into the subject. But even if they don't, let it start with you.

I understand that you probably want others to change their minds. But it begs the question, can you change your mind?

Openness stumbles not when we disagree but when we lose our curiosity to look into another's point of view. Are you strong enough to listen? Are you afraid you'll be persuaded to act against your values by someone else's firmly held ideas? Be fearless and ask questions, or simply ask for time to think things over. The first step is to realize all of us have opinions and not necessarily the whole picture.

So back to my client. She is seeing her partner as if it's the first time when they initially met and were curious about each other, interested, and listening. When they respected and valued each other's abilities, skills, and quirks, that made them who they are. They are finding out in the process if their relationship is big enough to include differences that naturally evolve. Conflict is natural. Put two people together long enough, and from time to time, they won't see eye to eye. Hallelujah! That's one way to learn something new.

Are you asking yourself… “ok, so what is the secret?” I will tell you now.

The Secret to Communicating is: YOU. Listen with an open mind and be interested in the possibility that you may see things in a new way. 

The key to practicing this communication secret is to catch yourself in the act of your mental rebuttal. I know it's hard not to react to some ideas, but it's a productive struggle that puts thought into what you say next. Pause, breathe in, and breathe out. 

Slow down your automatic rebuttal system to make space for authentic discovery. 

In this space, you can ask questions and learn more. Isn't that what communication is all about? Make your communication a spiritual exercise that focuses on connection instead of being right.

May your day be filled with thoughts, words, and actions that deepen your relationships and leaves everyone with meaningful questions.

You never know how someone else is going to respond. Think about it. It's unsettling not to know, which may be why we don't start. But over time, I decided that I would rather tell an uncomfortable truth instead of assuming someone would argue and wouldn't listen. 
 
So I began to think about how to argue and how to start a complicated conversation. And what to do when the response might be a verbal assault that ends with fighting or a deep resignation that nothing will change.
 
Most people tell me they want their key relationships to communicate their authentic, personal truth of what they see, feel or think. They don't want to hear something that's filtered or managed, cleaned up or sanitized, or so carefully constructed that they walk away shaking their head wondering why people think they can't listen to a different view. The question you should ask yourself right now is if you can listen to a different perspective. Can you?
 
The easy part is to say you're willing to listen. The hard part is listening to it and not getting defensive, and instead, suspending judgment for a moment, taking a breath, and getting interested. And even thanking the other person for having the courage to tell you something you don't already agree with.
 
OK. You're listening and considering what another person has to say. Now it's your turn, and you have a decision to make. How can you speak "your truth" without making someone else wrong for their view?
 
Let's look.
 
First, let's think about what it means to argue. The origin of the word argue is to make something clear. Most people believe arguing is synonymous with fighting. That is a limiting perspective. 
 
True arguing is a lost art. Consider that you only need to make something clear because you have a relationship with someone or a group of people. You care about them or respect them or work with them, and you want to know who they are and what they're thinking.
 
Perhaps we can change the focus of arguments from winning to building an evolving relationship. Which I think is critical to our ongoing success, safety, and fulfillment. It won't end arguments, but it could immediately change the way we argue in a relationship.
 
You'll know arguments are about domination and not clarity when there are statements and attitudes like:
 
• Don't argue with me.
Means I don't want to listen to your reasons. Just do what I say.
 
• Raising your voice.
Means I'll shout you down because your view is wrong.
 
• Violence.
Means you're not only wrong, but you can't exist in my world. There's just one way, my way. I'll suppress your voice.
 
• Silence.
Means I stop talking to you.
 
You'll know arguments are working toward clarity when there is room for questions and statements like:
 
• I hear you.
Means I recognize you have reasons different from mine, and I'm listening.
 
• Let's look.
Means I'm willing to inquire into the subject in depth before coming to a conclusion.
 
• How does this idea serve you?
Means I'm curious instead of defensive about your values and interests.
 
• What's missing from how it is now?
Means I'm willing to plumb the depths of your thoughts and feelings.
 
• Let's take a break.
Means I'm willing to pause before concluding and ponder what I've learned from you so far, and then come back together to continue the conversation.
 
If you want people to listen to you, you have to listen. If you're going to be understood, you have to bring understanding to the table. Likewise, if you want your team, friends, and family to listen to your arguments, you must consider their arguments as well. The secret is to remember that the point of arguing in a relationship is clarity, not agreement. Genuine agreement instead of compliance comes through mutual clarity.
 
May your day be filled with illuminating arguments that bring clarity and a closer relationship.
​

Please understand that saying no isn't about rejecting the person making the request; it's about allowing you to make an authentic choice and focusing on what you need to get done. 

Here are four ways on how to get to NO and make a choice with ease:

1. Ask Questions. Sometimes we say yes and then later think of all the questions we should have asked before committing. The fundamental question that you should always ask is information on the timeline. It's critical. Don't say yes without knowing the due date. Other questions consist of getting all the information you need to make an informed choice. If you don't want to engage after getting all the information you need, go to #4 below. 

2. Consider. Maybe you need some time to think about the request or check your schedule or confer with your mate or team or do some research. It's not a brush-off to postpone your answer to the request. Give the person making the request a time by which you will get back to them. Then get back to them whether it's yes or no. Be known as someone who keeps their word. Then if you say no, the person knows you're out, and they can make requests of someone else.

3. Negotiate. I suggest you get good at negotiation and see it as a natural response to the word no! Any negotiation starts with a NO! Instead of groaning when someone starts a negotiation, be curious about what they're going to offer next. Don't worry! You can always say no after listening to someone's pitch. Now, of course, you can always make a counteroffer yourself. You say no to someone's original request and then make a request in line with what you can do. Negotiation is not about giving in. It's an active exchange that brings both parties to a beneficial agreement. 

4. No, thank you. I say thank you because I know how hard it is for some people to make a request. Saying thank you honors the person. Sometimes when you say no thank you, the other person might say, "Why not?" Please resist the urge to answer. As discussed in #3, people naturally overcome objections, and you probably do too when someone says no to you. Don't be put off by someone asking why not. You'll hear all the reasons you should say yes. But that shouldn't sway you to say yes to something you don't want to do or can't fulfill. No is a legitimate response to a request regardless of who's asking. Review tip #3 if you're wavering between saying yes or no to make sure you're responding genuinely. No thank you is a complete sentence. No other explanation is required.

When you say yes, it's a promise. You're committing your attention, time, resources, and energy. No is also a promise. You're committing not to do something now, saving you time, resources, and energy for what you want to do or are already committed to doing.

So say no without feeling guilty, and you'll be able to say yes without remorse.

If it makes it easier, you can also respond by saying, "No thank you, and I love you!" so you remind people that you're not rejecting them, just their request. Or give them this article to read.

My love goes with you.

The words become affirmations to ​reframe from impossible to possible, from can’t to can, and from division to inclusion.

Here are a few of my favorites.

• Just do it. It reminds me to get started and keep going. I repeat it to myself when I just don’t feel like doing it! “Get up and just do it,” I say to myself, whether it’s a complicated conversation or going for a run. I recently saw a t-shirt that said, “Just did it!” It made me laugh! 
• It takes a licking and keeps on ticking. It reminds me to get up one more time than any mishap that knocks me down. I think about it whenever I fail until failure turns into an opportunity for improvement. This idea is even more important to me now, especially since we’ve all taken a licking with the pandemic, and we need to keep on ticking and never give up.
• Before it can change the world, it has to change yours. It reminds me to walk the talk, that action moves the world and talk is cheap. There’s so much coaching on improving life, but the most remarkable moment is when I take my own advice and make the necessary changes I’ve been talking about. Change requires new choices. 
• Where’s the beef? Remember that one? The message is good, even if you’re a vegan! It reminds me to fill my conversations with substance instead of fluff. Did I get my message across? Or am I gabbing along with no thought on whether my words are delicious or indigestible!
• I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. It reminds me about the tone of my voice that often matters more than the words. My words can be clever and to the point, but have you ever noticed that people stop listening to you when your tone is accusing or harsh? How do you speak in harmony? Listen more.
• Make someone happy! It reminds me that making just one person happy could change the world and that love is the answer. I know this is a song used in an ad, but what a song! We should all sing it every day. Just make one person happy today!

Do you remember the ads? Nike, Timex, Volkswagen, Wendy’s, and Coke. I’ve owned more Nike shoes than I can count and actually started running with a pair of their men’s running flats because they didn’t have running shoes for women! We’ve come a long way! Timex was my watch of choice for every day, but I traded it in for my first Apple watch. I bought a used beetle Volkswagen as the second car I ever owned and only gave it up when I had kids and needed something bigger. I don’t drink soda! But I still love those commercials!

At a time when all of our spirits need an uplift every day, I’m glad when companies get you thinking about something more significant than the products they’re selling.

Let’s have fun today! What are your favorite ad campaigns?

May your day be happy and productive.

Why am I here?
Who am I?
What is life?

You don’t have to be religious to ponder the mystery of life, the miraculous, and the everyday goodness of human beings. One act of kindness can restore your faith in people. But still, we have intolerance, violence, hate, and atrocities. And we have the old answers to unanswerable questions. You can’t have the light without the dark. But those answers have never been satisfying to me from the time I was very young, and I asked the prime question to a bible scholar, “How do you know what you’re saying is true?” And the teacher answered, “You just have to have faith!”

The answer didn’t help but stopped further questioning at that moment in time. Still, over the years, when shock at current events left me thinking about the spiritual significance of what happened and what it means about being human, I pondered my own connection with the sacred — which to me is beyond the boundary of the known. How do we hang out in the unknown long enough to experience something genuinely new, sacred even? And if I knew the answer to that question, would that help the world come to peace? Or at least peace of mind that we’re on a fulfilling track that includes all of us.

Entertaining a new thought is hard. A new way of being extremely difficult. A new way of thinking almost impossible when people dig in their heels. A new way of relating and stepping into someone’s shoes to see the world they see, rare to never. 

New isn’t a rehash of what’s known. What’s known has brought us to where we are today.

To be new, it would have to be something unfamiliar, even strange. Something that would transform your thinking and show you a path that is both fulfilling and exemplary. A locality you haven’t visited before that surpasses any view you’ve experienced up until now. 

New: of a kind now existing or appearing for the first time, unfamiliar or strange

Strange: unusual, extraordinary, curious, or odd, coming from outside of one’s own locality

Locality: the state or fact of having a place that every material object must have, and non-material things like thoughts and beliefs that have a place in our minds and hearts

How do you cultivate a new strange locality? How do you open a portal to something new, maybe even divine?

I connect to a new strange locality through:

1. Meditation
2. Nature
3. Love

Meditation: Have you ever tried to clear your mind of repetitive thoughts, especially the ones you want to get rid of? I recently listened to a meditation with the Muse app, and they likened meditation to training a puppy. You call the puppy over and teach it. The puppy responds and then, after a bit of time, runs away to play. You call the puppy back and go over the training again, and then after a while, the puppy runs away to play. You don’t get angry or frustrated. You may even laugh, but you get the puppy and keep training. Meditation trains us to notice our thoughts and return our attention to just breathing in and out. A calm state settles in, and for me, a peaceful state of being, and then a thought comes in like the puppy running away. And I notice the thought and ask myself where that thought came from, and then I’m down the road thinking. And then I notice again and return to breathing in and out. What am I accessing? It is a new strange locality to sit there instead of doing something, sit there instead of solving something, sit there, and let it be.

Nature: I’ve stood in the ocean and let the waves wash over me. I can body surf the waves, I can move back from the shoreline and out of the water, but I can’t stop the waves from rolling in and out. I can stand in my forest and let the beauty of the trees fill me with joy. I can walk around the maples and the pines, the alders, and the dogwoods, but I can’t stop the weeds, the horsetails, or nettles from growing. I don’t resist. I pull the weeds lovingly and laughingly. I put bark on the open areas. I prune some trees and plant more flowers. I work with it as a thing of beauty. What am I accessing? A new strange locality to appreciate what is.

Love: I keep returning to love as the most extraordinary access. Can I fix the world with love? Too big, too much. So I return to thinking about where I could bring more love in my immediate world. Where can I listen a little longer and bring more patience? Where can I include others instead of excluding people I feel uncomfortable around (where I groan at just the thought of them). I can choose to think about them differently, as dynamic instead of static. I start there. Then, I see them as they are instead of how I think they should be. I have a more expansive state of connection and presence with all. What am I accessing? A new strange locality of acceptance.

My connection to what’s sacred begins with sitting, appreciating, and accepting. How do you connect and gain access to something new, even sacred? 

My love goes with you.

May your day be peaceful and fulfilling.

to shift into an alternate reality. I was immediately engaged. I've been teaching people to shift realities for a long time. ​And while the game was focused on imagining, the process was the same as shifting your thinking from a world of right and wrong to a world of possibilities. A reality shift is a way of waking up and being willing to engage with fresh eyes.
 
My reality shift started by looking at TikTok with my granddaughter. I was curious and probably behind the times, given its popularity. She showed me what she's interested in, from dance to makeup to singing and to thought leaders I've never heard of! That exploration opened up a vista of new ways to share thoughts beyond books, blogs, and beliefs. I admit that it started with changing my mind about what's relevant today. Not as easy as it sounds. 
 
But if you want to make a shift, you have to first consider that it's possible and begin to look outside the tethers of your mental reach.
 
I thought about expanding my range and truly considering something outside of what I've already settled into as a way of thinking. Even in something as simple or complex as a friendly conversation. How do I stretch my mental muscles? My traditional way is to do something new or just consider a different thought. Then I get to discover why a friend, family member, or colleague is engaged. 
 
What's my motivation? To keep waking up even after I've completed what I set out to accomplish. Happiness and fulfillment may be different. I'm always happy. Happiness is a way of being — a choice. But fulfillment is more elusive. Let's say you've fulfilled your dream, goal, or strategy — ­it's a terrific feeling and result, but it also begs the question, OK, now what? It's the old adage about enlightenment. Before enlightenment, make the bed and do the dishes. After enlightenment, make the bed and do the dishes. Same with accomplishment. Everything changes, and nothing changes.
 
The shift is that you have the opportunity to enter a new world. A world not known to you. A new frontier where you don't already have everything figured out.
 
Think about what has surprised you recently. Focus on a shift in your thinking.
 
What comes to my mind is a shift in thinking about our unconscious bias and the dialogue about cancel culture. Is it cancel culture, or is it accountability? You can't change the past. It's over. You did what you did, but, and this is a big BUT, you can take accountability for past actions and make changes today that are in sync with what you've discovered since then. YOU MAKE A SHIFT. What was acceptable to you before is not tolerable in light of what you know today. 
 
Shifting happens because you're paying attention. The shift creates an evolution of thoughts, words, and actions as a new platform on which to stand. The platform is solid but not entrenched, so the shifting continues because there is always more to know. 
 
How are YOU shifting? I would love to hear from you!!
 
May you have a day of awakening.

Holding a loving perspective in mind communicates connection in any conversation, whether they're tough or casual, work or fun, exciting or boring. 

Does love take practice? Yes, because we slip back into thinking we're separate rather than connected, or we stay focused on past errors or regrets instead of the here and now. Love brings you to the present moment.

Here are nine ideas you can use to promote the love perspective with yourself and others. Please comment and share your thoughts as well.

1. Notice how your words sound. Let the tone carrying your words be kind. Understand that your words do matter, but so does your tone of voice. It's not just what you say, it's how you say it that's remembered. When you tell the truth with love, it's more readily received.
2. If you find you're already down the road creating separation, you can always regroup and say, "Let me say that a different way." Just be present, so you notice how people are responding to what you say. 
3. Practice a neutral response on the way to a loving response by asking questions and being genuinely interested. Something as simple as, "What do you think?" can open up an enlightened conversation.
4. Be OK with silence. It can create room for spacious thinking. It can make room for saying, "I don't know, let's look."
5. Are people uplifted and empowered when they leave your presence or hang up after a call? Do you feel better? Do they? If the answer is no, call them back. Engage with people, so they see themselves as capable, loved, and part of the conversation.
6. Acknowledge and apologize for mistakes, creating space for something new. Love rests on a foundation of accountability and openness. 
7. Ask what's possible in the face of conflicting ideas. This question allows you to step to someone's side to find mutual interests that reveal who you are most authentically.
8. Accept that others may show love in different ways. Be curious. There isn't just one way to love. Be the giver and the receiver.
9. Pay attention and love the one you're with. Connect and listen. Love is still normal and waiting to be expressed daily, so why not love in all ways and always use love.

My husband is an artist and musician. He writes from the heart, and his songs, like poetry set to music, leave me awestruck with the insight that what is given purely shall return in love. Enjoy the lyrics written by my beloved that inspired this post.

Something About Love by Michael Davis

In the middle of an ordinary day, 
When the clouds of hate are swept away, 
In the heart of our silent center, 
Where love can finally enter,
It can be something about love. 

All the violence of the current day, 
Shall not release us 
Until we can say what lives out there, 
Lives in me, all the beauty, all the greed,
Maybe we can finally see it if we let it be,
Something about love.
 
Do I hear your voice above the storm?
Do I hear you calling for the soul of this world?
You speak in a way I always knew,
It might be so simple it could never come true,
Maybe we can finally see it from another point of view.

I can see it when I look at your face.
I can see it in the dreams you chase. 
I know you see it too. 
 
It's in the last act, and the first,
In every song and every verse,
It's in everything we do,
It's something about love.

So the next time something aggravates you and you're about to speak, stop and use one of the nine practices listed above. Let me know your favorite way of turning any conversation away from separate, opposing forces into an awareness of being united by love even when you disagree. Agreement isn't the point of love. The point of love is to prepare yourself to see what's hidden by the illusion of separation.

My love goes with you.

you walk away from the conversation that produces the contrast. Feedback makes you better and improves your performance. Feedback helps and is necessary for human beings as for any system that grows stronger and self-corrects with information.
 
So how is that different from criticism? Criticism has a punch that delivers a message that you're not measuring up. It's a judgment delivered along with the feedback. Think about the times you've walked out of a meeting or a conversation asking yourself why a leader or compatriot had to be so mean? And it might leave you fearful not to cross that person or speak up or venture an opinion because you don't know when that person will erupt all over you.
 
I know that it's possible to hear criticism as a critique, analysis, or evaluation. I coach people to say thank you as a way to defuse the energy of criticism and then listen and ask questions. But when criticism crosses over to passing judgment and faultfinding, it gets in the way of people listening and absorbing information so they can solve problems.
 
If you're nodding your head in the affirmative right now, think about where you've been overly critical and judgmental, whether it's been with your mate or kids or someone at work. What causes the move to severe judgment? I've asked many people that question, and they disclose that I should listen to their self-criticism! They're hard on themselves and therein may reveal the root cause of their overly critical nature.
 
Why are you hard on yourself? Past mistakes, blunders, and missed opportunities? For me, it's when I showed a complete lack of awareness of something that should have been obvious. Then I wake up to the fact that what should have been obvious is only apparent in this present moment. And somehow, when I'm overly critical, I'm on the losing end of the past (I wasn't enough) and the future (I can't get it right). Then the realization hits that there is just right now to make a difference. And although I can't always make it up to someone where I was overly critical in the past, I can now be more aware and pay the lesson forward.
 
Notice where you're overly critical, then pause and examine your intention. If you speak, will it help? Is it necessary? If criticism is happening around you, ask questions. In that way, everyone can better understand if the critique creates improvement or is a reprimand. A question you can ask is, "How does this information help correct the problem?" And if the problem isn't apparent, ask questions to clarify the concern.

I've often said I can listen to anything because I know how to ask well-aimed questions. Then I can redirect the energy to defeating the problem instead of criticizing the people around the table. It requires focus grounded in an approach that acknowledges that I am the source of the outcome rather than the victim of the process.
 
I'd love to hear from you what you notice about criticism and feedback in your life and any tools you use so you can listen to, understand the importance of, and take action on information no matter how it's presented. Criticism may sting because there's some truth in it. Listen for the truth, learn, grow, and ponder the rest. Then criticism transforms into feedback, and your relationships grow stronger.
 
And remember that heartfelt praise is also feedback that improves performance and lifts morale.
 
May your day be filled with curiosity and love.