I know you’ve never had a breakdown in your relationships. Well … maybe one or two!

Sometimes you just want the breakdown to go away, and miss the opportunity that it offers while it’s happening. However, I’ve come to realize that the bigger the breakdown, the bigger the breakthrough opportunity.

I’ve often talked about breakdowns into breakthroughs in business. I encourage managers to actively use breakdowns as opportunities to innovate, and create breakthroughs in sales, product design, hiring strategies, or communication. But, I want to talk about breakdowns here, as opportunities to transform your relationships, not just for the aha moment or to remove the spotlight of discomfort, but to create a bond that transcends time and circumstances.

Breakdowns in a relationship reveal the truth of who you are, what you think, and what you value.

When you have a breakdown in relationship, you get to find out if the relationship is sustainable. It mystifies me a little when people who have been together for a long time, say they never disagree or have an argument. It’s hard for me to imagine, unless they somehow have created a world where conflict is avoided. I don’t doubt what people tell me, yet it doesn’t seem real that you would always think just like someone else.

The Latin origin of the word argue, argumentum, means to make clear. You may be very good at making things clear, but not leave any room for the other person to express their clarity, and instead of a breakthrough, create a protracted contest of winning and losing arguments.

Can you have a different view, misunderstanding, or even a breakdown in behavior and still sit down, talk about it, tell the truth, and resolve the issues? Instead of a breakdown signaling the end, it can be the breakthrough opportunity that’s needed to strengthen the relationship.

I was advising two people recently, who were arguing about whether they should relocate or not. After listening for a while, I asked them two questions: what do you want and what experience are you looking for. By acknowledging the breakdown in their communication in a non-judgmental environment, they could ask these questions of each other, and tell the truth of how they felt, and what they wanted. The only thing I asked them to do was to listen to each other!

That doesn’t mean it’s easy to listen. When you ask someone to tell you the truth, they’ll only continue if you don’t make what they say wrong. Sometimes you might have to sleep on it, and resume your conversation the next day. Listening is key to breakthroughs in relationship.

Taking 100% accountability is also essential.

I believe that everyone is 100% accountable for what shows up in their relationships. Blame undermines countless relationships. 100% accountability stops the blaming and starts the process of looking into the breakdown, as well as into each other’s eyes and hearts. It will set you free to simply think and talk through what’s happening. If you don’t want to talk about it, think about the guy on the road from Bob Dylan’s song, “I wish there was something you would do or say, but we never did too much talking anyway.”

These lyrics remind me that communication is communion, and without it you only have the conversation with yourself until it’s too late to shift the course of events.

Accountability gives you a window to see your role exactly the way it is. It’s freeing. When these two folks took 100% accountability, they stopped blaming each other for how they felt, and instead started thinking through the decisions in front of them as a team.

The simple act of eliminating blame, gave them the perspective they needed to put the issues on the table and, together, look for the breakthrough in their thinking that would allow them to solve the problem. The conversation soon turned to common ground. At the heart of the matter was their deep love of family, security, and being together more of the time, versus commuting and only seeing each other on weekends.

They decided it was worth the risk to relocate, even though it meant a dip in their income. Two years later, they have no regrets. The breakthrough? They not only got their time back, they’re living the lifestyle they love, and they are complete with the decisions they made.

My husband and I have a question we ask of each other after tough decisions are made. It goes like this: “Are we together on this, through thick and thin, lose or win, up or down, smile or frown?” If either of us can’t give an unqualified yes, we go back to the drawing board. When the answer is yes, there is a depth of relationship with the strategy, and an endless connection with each other.

When you turn your breakdowns into breakthroughs, there is a deepening of connection and appreciation, creating an unbreakable bond. Your arguments evolve into conversations that bring awareness, forgiveness, and gratitude.

Keep these 7 ideas in mind as you travel the path of your relationships. Make a commitment to practice. Try on one idea a day and witness what happens. If you practice with those people who are closest to you, and they practice with the people they are close to, you transform your relationships and change the world, one person at a time.

Transform your relationships by:

1. Declaring the breakdown. Put the problem on the table and look at it together from the same side, and then walk over to the other side of the table and look at it together from that side too.

2. Asking questions. Adjust your tone of voice. Be defenseless. Let the ideas speak for themselves. Ask without attachment to any outcome.

3. Taking 100% accountability. No blame. I know this is easy to say and harder to do. Get over it as quickly as you can. Victims ask, why me? Accountable people see their role in what happened and ask what’s possible.

4. Being with what is, just the way it is. Be quick to love and slow to judge. Judgment shadows what you see in front of you. Move out of the shadow so you can see and be seen.

5. Creating perspective. Get rid of any self-limiting stories that say you’re not effective in conflict. A useful perspective is discovery. What does the breakdown reveal that was hidden before?

6. Allowing the breakthrough. Breakthroughs bring completion. It can be a breakthrough in your thoughts, words, or actions. Shift your focus from what you already know to what can be discovered or revealed.

7. Acknowledging connection. We are connected so there’s nothing you have to do except be present. Connection deepens naturally. Breakdowns test the resilience of a relationship, not your connection. You don’t have to be in the same room with someone to be connected to them in your mind and heart. Let it be.

My love goes with you as you work with this uplifting moment.