I wrote last year about considering a third possibility when you get into a situation that is accelerating to an either/or scenario … either my way or the highway, giving in or giving up, being passive or being confrontational. When faced with two not so great alternatives, it’s good to practice coming up with a third possibility to pull you and others out of taking positions that could end up in a polarizing situation.

I’m writing about it this week, because I continue to see that using this simple process of accessing a third possibility gives you the power of AND, a natural antidote to the divisive force of EITHER/OR. I’m playing with words here, but there is a force behind words and blame is often in the background of either/or, no matter how nice you are in the process. You may grumble in private instead of pontificating in public, but the result is the same. When you get beyond the notion that you’re either with me or against me, then you can disagree AND still be friends.

I was witness to 3 miracles last week, one with a teenager, another with an executive, and the third with the owner of a company who all used the power of AND in conflict.

In two situations, another person was initially blamed for the conflict, and in the third, there was self-blame. Blame creates enemies. And you certainly don’t want to be an enemy to yourself, because it shuts down your ability to think clearly, and you may start to act in ways that are contrary to your own interests. Assigning fault doesn’t do anything except in a court of law. And that’s not where most of us resolve conflict. The miracles happened in all three cases when those involved stopped blaming.

In one situation in particular the person started talking about what happened, and as I guided him in the process, I noticed that he began to step into the shoes of the other person. He started to ask himself if it was possible that he could be right AND she could be right. When he looked from that perspective, he began to see that he had assumed agreement, didn’t have her sign off on the solution he was implementing, and that a conflict of expectations was the outcome. Then the power of AND happened. He owned the conflict and began to see that she was right—true to her values, AND he was right—true to his values.

This executive and the teenager had something in common. Their resolution miracles happened when they made the shift from judging to listening. When that happened, solutions emerged. It’s as if a light went on that illuminated the opportunity to end the “I’m right, you’re wrong” struggle that kept the conflict in place.

When you stop blaming the other person, you see what’s hidden behind the door called responsibility. Now if you’re thinking why doesn’t the other person take responsibility, you’re back to blame. You take responsibility because you are the only person you have any power with to make a change or a new decision. The individual who self-blamed had to stop being his own worst enemy in order to look at what was possible. Assigning fault prevented him from a considered response and added extreme pressure to an already stressful situation.

You can’t solve a problem until you own it. If you don’t own it, you’re back to an either/or scenario; either I’m right or you’re right. We both can’t be right. Well, maybe that’s true in spelling bees, but it’s not true in life. The way you find mutual interests and benefit is to discover what is for the highest good of all concerned, including you. If the conflict is inside an organization, then the highest good needs to include the organization as well.

You can often access a third possibility by simply asking the question what’s possible, what else could we do, what does George think about this situation, (name a neutral third party—George happens to be my favorite 3rd party name!), then you can get other ideas that may pull you out of a stalemate. If you have a coach, talk to your coach. The goal with these strategies is to get outside the limited thinking of either/or and change the game from who is right to what resolves the disagreement.

You don’t have to hold on to differences, you can actually look for and find possibilities even in the most difficult situations, when you increase your range of responses beyond who’s right and who’s wrong. Isn’t that what responsibility is … the ability to respond?

Just consider that resolution is possible, and commit to resolution even before you know what solutions will emerge.

So here’s the practice this week. It’s pretty simple and has three parts.

1. Take responsibility for every situation you’re involved in this week.
2. Hold a no fault state of mind.
3. Look for what’s possible until the solution naturally comes into view.

Let me know what happens. If there are any other limiting either/or scenarios that you can identify, please send them along. The more we can look into what limits our thinking, the more we can step outside the boundaries of the known into the unknown, where new possibilities hang out!

My love goes with you as you work with this uplifting moment.