Recently a business owner asked me how to resolve a conflict with an employee who would not take any direction. He was at his wits end trying different approaches, and concluded that the person had authority issues and wanted control. What I said in response was, “Why don’t you ask him how you can give him both ownership and direction.” He immediately stopped being irritated, and saw the power in the question to open up a conversation that needed to happen.

No problem is too big that you can’t whittle it down to size and ask a question that allows you to see something new.

Whenever you’re stuck, take the time to mull over a well-aimed question so you can expand your mind until it wraps around the answer.

This approach never fails me. I’m always glad I took “mulling” time. It gives my creative juices time to consider possibilities that my logical mind may not have access to in the middle of:

• Exchanging opposite views
• Solving a problem
• Getting agreement
• Testing commitment
• Formulating a presentation
• Resolving a conflict

When you’re in a crunch situation and there’s little time for mulling, you can call for a 5-minute break, or a stretch, or call on someone else for ideas, ask for people to be outrageous and reflect on the question, situation, or concern, and then come back together to consider.

I also like to have a series of well-aimed questions at my disposal. Here are some of my favorites, especially if you’re getting off course in your endeavors:

• What was your organizing vision or idea?
• Are you being true to that organizing principle?
• What happened?
• What was the catalyst for what happened?
• What’s your intention?
• What have you done so far?
• How can I help?

However, it’s also important to remember that the most powerful questions often come spontaneously when they’re discovered out of what someone you’re talking to just articulated that sparked a line of thought.

Here’s the practice: Instead of responding to a person like your spouse, partner, boss, or co-worker by giving an answer or a statement of what you think, ask a question based on what’s happening or what that person just said. For instance if someone poses a problem and provides multiple solutions, ask them what they would do. Use the practice of asking questions to discover what’s beneath the surface of the conversation. This is enlightening, and enhances relationships producing closeness and intimacy. It allows for an exchange of ideas, so when you walk away from the conversation you know more about that person and they know more about you.

Think about someone you live with. He or she comes home and talks to you about what’s happening, especially if it’s been a rough day. Too often we’ll say to our loved ones, why don’t you just do … and you learn quickly they don’t want you to solve the problem, they want you to listen. Your best help can come by asking questions so they can articulate what’s going on.

This is enlightening, and enhances relationships producing closeness and intimacy. It allows for an exchange of ideas, so when you walk away from the conversation you know more about that person and they know more about you.

You already know how to do this! Remember your first day on a job you loved? Or with a person you were attracted to? You were interested. You asked well-aimed questions, easily and without guile. You were present with your attention, spirit, and awareness. Nothing held back. Bring that to your conversations today.

You can use the power of well-aimed questions to open up communication, and build relationships. Let me know how this works for you and any great questions you can pass along.

My love goes with you as you work with this uplifting moment.