I was visiting with my sister last week, and we got to talking about the state of the world. She said, “What we need is a little more TLCC.” I responded, “tender loving care?” And she chuckled at her own spin on the acronym and said, “Not exactly. TLCC stands for tolerance, love, compassion, and civility.”

Tolerance
As soon as I heard the T, I was nodding my head in agreement. My sis is appalled at the lack of tolerance in the world for differences of any kind … of faith, marriage partners, or just differences of ideas.

A collision of ideas doesn’t necessarily create conflict. It can create curiosity, inquiry, and spirited debate. What keeps conflict in place is a lack of tolerance; it’s the unwillingness to allow a different idea to exist without the need to annihilate it.

Can you be an absolutist and still make room for the existence of a different point of view? If you are tolerant you can allow for differences. You understand that someone else has as much right to exist as you do.

Love
Love says you’re connected. With every thought, word, and action you make an impact. Ask yourself if your actions bring a greater connection or increase a sense of separation. Love is not an emotion; it’s a way of being that has connection at the core. Through love, discussions end with understanding for what someone has endured to get to this point in his or her life, and what has shaped their thinking up until now, which brings you to compassion.

Compassion
Compassion allows you to wish someone a life free from suffering and the causes of suffering. If you operate with tolerance and love, compassion allows you to tell the truth, without accusing another of stupidity, unworthiness, or backwardness. You lead by example with grace and kindness. Compassion is not tact over truth. It’s an allowing of someone to be as they are, hold the opinions they have, and express those ideas.

Compassion allows you to step in someone’s shoes and not lose yourself. Instead, you catch a glimpse of what they see. You’re interested and that produces civility.

Civility
Civility is defined as courtesy and politeness in behavior and speech. Unfortunately, civility is often only seen as important after the fact. And often only after people recognize the impact of their words, do they make a change. Think of Gordon Brown, UK Prime Minister, who recently called a woman a bigot in private remarks that were overheard by a nation. He apologized, but the damage was done. What causes someone to give up civility for intolerance? When someone questions your beliefs does that turn them into a bigot? Calling someone a bigot is different from saying I don’t agree with that idea, but I’m willing to listen to the comment or question. But isn’t that the way it sometimes rolls? We’ll make “uncivil” remarks to friends about others.

Notice how you communicate when you don’t have agreement for your ideas. It will give you insights into your ability to be civil when someone questions you. What if you were civil in private and public? What would have to open up in your thinking?

1. The first step is to notice where you’re not tolerant. This is harder than it sounds because you have to confront the notion that you’re absolutely right.

2. Create some space for discussion. My favorite internal process for this practice is to take a breath and tell myself to stop talking and start listening.

3. Think before you speak. It’s easier to clean up an intolerant thought than an intolerant word. Silence is an option. Asking a question is an option.

And don’t forget to be tolerant, loving, compassionate, and civil to yourself as well.

At the end of our weekend together, my sister and I committed to bring more TLCC into the world. How about you? Practice tolerance this week and discover where it leads.

My love goes with you as you work with this uplifting moment.