When I ask myself the question, “What matters most?” and think about what has stood the test of time, I always come back to one sure thing — friends. It seems natural to cultivate good, long lasting friendships.

As an entry point for inquiry, it may also be a way to connect the dots between what you value in others and what you value in yourself. This is important to understanding why you do what you do, and what you want to do with the rest of your life.

One way to approach this inquiry is to look for connecting points. Connections are evident when and where your values match those of your friends. The more places you intersect, the more likely your friendships will last over time.

Those who know me well, know me through various incarnations. They put up with me when I was in my save the world phase, and endured my attempts to enroll them in my get rich quick projects. They listened to me when I was down, and celebrated my victories when I rose to the top again. And I did the same for them.

Paulette and I recently spent time with two of our oldest friends, Wayne and Kaye, at our home here in Petaluma. I first met Wayne when he was the head of training at TRW, the multinational aerospace firm in Southern California. He’s an ex-Marine, and he looks like central casting for the part. Even now, in his mid 70’s, he walks with a military bearing and an internal discipline that is hard to miss. If you know me at all you would not bet that we could be lifelong friends — and yet, we are.

He left the corporate world many years ago and now lives at the end of a country road, in the middle of a remote region of California known as the Russian Wilderness. His wife of over 20 years, Kaye, is his constant love and companion. She comes as close as anyone I know of being from the elfin kingdom, and she brings out the little kid in that big old marine.

For me, the connecting points necessary for a good friendship are easy to find, even in those from different ages or cultures, or whose tastes, world views, or politics are unlike my own. Love, that little word so often misused, is at the core. Each of my friends has something I love about them. They can’t do anything about it. It’s just who they are. I love Kaye’s sense of wonder. She’s like an alien who has been plopped down on earth and who sees everything for the first time. I love Wayne’s heart and mind. Having lived in the foxholes of Viet Nam, he takes the meaning of friendship as the pact of a lifetime. He will and does do anything to help a friend. Wayne was one of my first mentors. He taught me how to question, not from a place of superiority, but from true inquiry — without preconceptions. I still run my new discoveries by him, and he questions my assumptions, just like your favorite teacher would, or a good friend.

Another connecting point for friendships (the more the merrier) is listening. I love to listen to my friends, and around them I feel listened to as well. There is a presence in listening that surrounds both the speaker and the listener. Not only is it one of my most pleasant pastimes, it’s also one of the most powerful. I learn from every person I listen to, and in turn give them permission to be exactly who they are, with no rebuttal or interruptions.

Friends know your personal story. There’s much less explaining to do about how you got to where you are now, because they already know. This leaves lots of room for deeper conversations, and current discoveries. As you may have also discovered, after you’ve told your history a few hundred times, it’s a relief to not have to fill in the gaps.

There were long gaps of enjoyable silence these past few days. No need to comment. Nothing to prove. Just the wonder of being alive. And the love between old friends. With someone who knows who you are.

PRACTICE

This is a good time of the year for reconnecting with friends. Perhaps there is someone you care about and haven’t seen or talked to for a while. Take a few moments this week to touch back in with no purpose at all except to tell them what they mean to you. Let them know why you hold them in your heart, and why you call them friend.

In peace,

Michael