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What are you in control of?

I’ve often asked you to distinguish what’s inside of your control from what’s outside of your control.

What if control itself was an illusion? Control is defined as the power to influence outcomes or take charge of:

1. Your behavior (emotions, diet, spending)

2. Other people’s behavior (employees, children, relationships)

3. Your goals (results, reputation, advancement)

When life feels chaotic, I set goals and quickly notice that my sense of control increases, and any sense of disturbance quiets down, unless the goal continues to be elusive. Then that sense of chaos comes knocking at my door again.

It seems that I’m wired up to set goals. I like to achieve. I enjoy winning. I delight in puzzling out how to overcome obstacles and solve problems.

Without a goal, I just feel weird.

Not sad or frustrated or disappointed, just empty and fidgety, like there is a void that needs to be filled.

And rather than sit with the void, I quickly set a new goal, rule, or way to act.

If you’ve ever solved the same problem or set the same goal over and over without achieving sustainability, then you may begin to question if setting new goals works. You may begin to question if control works!

Think about asking yourself to control your emotions when you’re in the midst of an angry outburst, a defensive rant, or a shameful embarrassment. You wish you were in control, and will even mentally create the “if only I would have” scenarios after the fact, but the simple truth is you didn’t exercise control when it mattered.

Think about trying to control another person, an employee, your mate, or your children. How’s that worked out for you so far?

What if control is the wrong tool to use?

What if you can bring awareness to the moment instead of control? What would be different?

When I bring awareness and attention to what’s happening I’m immediately in action. There’s no thought to control myself or another person or even the situation. There’s no thought to put a spin on what’s happening.

Control is often the tool you use when you are feeling out of control and uncomfortable. When this happens before your control/out of control behavior clicks in, follow the trail to the source of your discomfort. What is it?

• People (how you want others to be)

• Image (what others think of you)

• Past (if only you could change what happened)

• Future (whatever you worry about)

Why would you want control over any of the above? Well, it would probably bring a sense of relief that everything will be as you desire. Then control would be a magic wand and I could get you to do whatever I want, whenever I wanted it! I could change any situation to please me.

Oh, you thought that you would have the magic wand of control, and get me to do whatever you wanted? Therein lies the problem!

So I’m relaxing my grip on image, past episodes, goals, plans, and people. And you know what I’m noticing?

What I love to do, I keep doing. I’m present to be with people and listen from an intense curiosity and power to be. I’m still solving problems, overcoming obstacles, and achieving results, but with a freedom for action that is unprecedented.

I’ve replaced the tool of control for the tool of awareness.

Awareness itself is the teacher. Fulfillment is in the action you take right now.

The practice this week is to bring awareness to what you’re attempting to control and see what happens.

For more on this topic check out Leo Babauta's post on the Illusion of Control at: ZenHabits

My love goes with you as you work with this Uplifting Moment.