The best practices in relationships are shared interests, acceptance, and making time to be together. When any of these practices fade, watch out for the big 3 that can begin a decline in relationship value and quality!

1. Negligence
2. Disinterest
3. Contempt

Negligence means that you are making other things more important. While this may be rooted in what you think needs to be done, it can begin a slide of disinterest of what matters to the other person, and then rolling your eyes in thought or form, and being contemptuous of what they want or need.

Disinterest can wiggle in when you notice that once funny stories become boring repetitions of what you already know. Habit replaces adventure, comfort replaces change, and reading replaces conversation.

Now I have to say that I love my habits like running and coffee in the morning. I love my comforts like eating at fine restaurants, curling up in front of the TV, and picking roses from my garden, and I love to read. There’s nothing like a good book to transport me to a new place without leaving my house!

So how could any of these things impact relationships? Here’s how … when they result in thoughts, words, or activities that exclude the other. You can reverse this by:

1. Attention instead of negligence
2. Involvement instead of disinterest
3. Acceptance instead of contempt

So here’s the practice with someone you care about when you notice the early warnings that could foretell a distance creeping into your relationship. All of these practices bring your attention to include the other, and extinguish exclusionary thoughts, words, or actions:

1. Reach out and say hello. Even when you live with the person, say hello in a way that is felt and connects. Look at someone when you speak. Sit down across from them knees to knees, and find out what’s happening in their inner world as well as the world of work, family, and goals. Then listen. Don’t try to change them, or solve a problem; instead create spaciousness in your relationship with authentic exchanges of affection, laughter, and being yourself.

2. Stay involved. When you’re involved intensely for a period of time your bond with another person strengthens, and can even stand the test of distance. Think of good friends where one person moves away, and you see them once in a while, and when you do, time disappears and there’s only the delicious moment of being together. In close relationships you’ll find there are shared interests. This is important. I think that’s why some people decide to have children when their relationship bond is fragile. They’re looking for a shared interest to strengthen their relationship. More relationships are broken because there are fewer and fewer shared interests. I’m not talking about pretending to be interested! When the kids are grown and you look at each other, what do you see? Love, contentment, new conversations, and spiritual journeys? Involvement is key. What brought you together in the first place is a foundation for continued awakening.

3. Instead of making a judgment, identify the source of your judgments. Stop and notice if your judgment is an automatic reaction from a deeply held opinion, and more about how you see the world, then it is about the other person. Be careful not to cast your opinion in stone, which can lead to contempt for anyone who doesn’t share your opinion. Suspending reaction is valuable, because you often don’t realize you are reacting with judgment, until you’re deep into the emotion or acting out of anger, frustration, or indifference.

When you judge or overreact, you’re communicating that the other person doesn’t know how to solve a problem, or make a correction, or stop doing whatever you’re silently complaining about. When you’re just there, present, you have the opportunity to listen generously, and make the relationship more important than the solution. Judgment doesn’t help, but it is felt. Consider the idea that if someone could do better they would, or maybe they just don’t see it the way you see it! Judgment doesn’t forward the action in either case.

If you can catch any reaction when it first starts to arise, as a feeling in your stomach, or a tightening of your shoulders, or a rush to judgment, you can pause … take a breath … and be quiet. You don’t have to clean up what you don’t say! Replace judgment with compassion. What would it sound like to speak from compassion or not at all? Cultivating an inner quiet as a response, has its core in connection and presence. A moment of mindfulness can slow down your response so you remember that you love and appreciate this person.

So this week when you think of depreciation, don’t think about the housing market or stock prices or the amount in your 401k. Instead think about your relationships, and faithfully reverse any decline in value or quality.

Watch for the signals and note the 3 warnings of relationship depreciation. This will put you in a position of strength to do something about these indicators before something in the relationship goes south, and you wonder how to get the love back.

Pay more attention to each other, and up your interest and involvement. Deeper connection will be your reward.

Let me know how you use these practices and what happens as a result.

My love goes with you as you work with this Uplifting Moment.